(warning: not for the settled, wise, and clear-minded)
What is life about?
These days, past weeks make up a different phase of my life. It is a phase full of questions, confusion, and thoughts, all further distracted and guided by paralyzing feelings: some heart-wrenching, others brain-deadening, and many of them dizzying.
Feelings, thoughts, desperation, contentment. So many paradoxes and yet all juxtaposed within this overwhelming phase.
i have a lot i want to write about. i have a lot i want to think and question and discuss. i have a lot of conclusions i have made that i want to write and remember.
but for now, i want to just let the unplanned words flow out and let my fingertips dance to the music these words are trying to create.
and hence, i beg your pardon for my lack of punctuation and capitalization. i apologize for maybe not having a direct and clear point. but right now, it is about being organic. i am writing directly on the post, rather than first on a word document and then transferring. i am not writing for anybody. i am not writing for any ultimate purpose. i am just writing.
and maybe that is one of the many conclusions i have come to (of course, with the help of others). why try to always have a point? lists, achievements, things done, topics covered, progress towards a goal. that is all wonderful. ‘how to be successful’ ‘8 ways to ____’ ‘3 reasons why you should _____’. Those are lovely bits of advice. and i can’t say anything about them because i myself have used so much similar advice from various blogs. but sometimes, one more post about ‘how to deal with stress’ or ‘how to be calm’ will just add more items onto the list of what i should be doing and how i should be living life.
instead, i need to just figure out what i feel, to know what i want, at every moment. without that, how can i do what i want? right now, it is to post this post with no meaning, no previous thought, and no hesitation. so, here it goes!
(if you read this and have no idea what i am getting to, im sorry. perhaps you are very in-tune with yourself. if you prefer structure and punctuation, again, i’m sorry. pardon this girl with a fuzzy head full of tangled thoughts who can only envy you. the next post will probably have more structure, so hang on 😛 )